I wonder

Not a wanderlust,

But wonder what I’ve lost

Without the physicality of losing anything

I worry that I have lost everything

Who I am is different than who I might of been

Who I could have become, if I started again

Choices would change or stay the same

Didn’t withhold at times, but others refrained

What if I gained more, but lost meaning

What if I gained meaning, but regressed in feelings

I could live two lifetimes, but in the end, it feels like a dream

Would I be iron or come unstitched at the seams

I look back with a “what if” mentality

But what if my “what if” drove me to insanity

Hindsight is intrusive, my thoughts illusive

My regrets become stronger and persuasive

But I am here, in this moment. 

Can’t change it, have to own it

“Who am I” quickly becomes “why am I”

“Why am I” turns into fear of everything unrealized

I am a being continuously in search of self-realization

That I am not a cog in a never ending rotation

A slow decomposition of flesh and bones

I am a proven test of being surrounded, yet alone

Navigating through the cosmos at the speed of life

Darkness consumes my soul as I see the nothingness of night

Sight no longer directs my flight, so I fight my demons, address my plight

I am the only version of myself. Reflected off the energy of those around

I fall down, face hits the ground, can’t move, feel helpless and bound

Weighted by the self-inflicted burdens of my indecisions

They become deep sharp pains, soul full of invisible incisions

I drown in the well of dwelling on things that never were

Gasping for air, but the only one pushing me under is my reflections stare

As time ticks on, I spend future moments still in the past,

Life speeds too fast, I cry out, but all I hear is silence, I won’t last

And just when I think despair I have found

I am picked off the ground by the sound

Of the hearts that palpitate around

Accepting my Imperfections and all

I hear a call, I run to it and the light, but fall

Like a fawn, learning to walk, I stumble forth

I feel the weight of my self-doubt melt from my self-worth

I am alive. I can’t control the tides of time and reverse my being

I can only continue from this moment forward, use my heart for seeing

Pendulum swings, I feel free, unshackled from everything

But my thoughts try to invade like that of a Persian fleet

I stand my ground, head high and plant my feet

Defeat will not besiege me, I fight with the might of my past

With the memories of the souls and energy like a spell cast

Who I have become is my strength, not who I could of been

Established being, have felt lost, but with every step, my journey I begin

I fight with the might of memories that survive the test of time

I own this life, all of it’s glories and imperfections, they are mine.


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